Personal Fool: Let's play fantasy bailout
By Bam Ransom, Contributing Writer
Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) -
Yes, I too have been worried recently about events that could have an impact on my finances.
I've watched the numbers on the computer screen go steadily downward for several weeks. No matter how many trades I take part in, I can't seem to stop the slide. This is real trouble.
That's why today, in order to reverse this trend, I'm calling for a massive federal government intervention in my fantasy football league. It's my only hope. Every week, as I've said, my fantasy football team seems to get a little worse.
See, I'm not just losing to EVERYONE in my league; I'm also losing to the guy who signed up for the league who thought that fantasy "football" was fantasy "futbol."
My only win is against someone who has been in a legally-declared persistent vegetative state since July 15th, when he got married to what's-her-name. Were it not for the fact that most of his players were off for a bye the week I played him, I would have lost that game too.
So, you're probably asking: "Gosh Bam, can I also participate in this massive government bailout program?"
To which I would probably reply, "I can't hear you."
Because the focus of this fantasy football bailout should remain on me as much as possible. MY league has a $1,000 payoff to the winner, and, after all, the last time I checked, you are NOT me. Including you in the fantasy football bailout would tend to DECREASE the economic benefit to ME.
Nobody (and when I say "nobody" I mean primarily "not me") would benefit under that scenario.
Instead, let's concentrate on the benefits everybody (and when I say "everybody" I mean primarily "me") would get through this innovative public policy initiative.
Firstly, it would stimulate the economy.
After I win the fantasy football championship, $1,000 in winner's money will begin to trickle to retailers just in time for the Christmas shopping season.
Just think: when I spend $98.27 on my daughters at the Claire's Boutique in Park Meadows Mall, the workers behind the counter at Claire's will show their appreciation by saying "whatever."
It doesn't get better than that, unless those Claire's workers include the other two words of thanks universal to all teenaged employees: "huh?" and "what?"
And let's not forget the impact a fantasy football bailout will have on my energy independence.
For three weeks I'll be able to top off my gas tank to the "Full" mark. And there's nothing more patriotic than giving money to a domestic energy producer like Texaco which only imports from foreign countries about 78% of the oil they use to make gasoline.
Today we have proved that while some think that the government has no place in interfering in private affairs like fantasy football leagues, it's clear that if we can just channel the government's energies into giving me the largest possible advantage in fantasy football, then everybody wins.
And when I say "everybody" I mean primarily "me."
Bam Ransom's "Personal Fool" will appear at sportsnetwork.com on alternating Fridays.