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Personal Fool: TV size matters in intercourse with wife

By Bam Ransom, Contributing Writer

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - This is the time of the year that true sports fans live for. A time when baseball playoffs get underway, when every football team still has a chance for glory, when basketball players are getting ready for camp after their long two-week vacation and hockey is sharpening its skates while waiting for the first skim of ice.

And most true sports fans know of only one thing that can make this time of year even more special: a much larger TV.

Now that our friendly federal government has thoughtfully changed us over to digital television, it means that TVs can be larger, more life-like, more brilliant and far more likely to interfere with our ability to understand the English language as spoken by our spouses.

In my house this is important.


Because I'm beginning to suspect that my wife comes into the room and talks to me periodically during the five or six games that I watch on any given day. I think she's speaking English because I recognize some of the words. And I'm pretty sure it's my wife, although I've never really looked at her during this intercourse. And yes I laughed too when I typed the word "intercourse." (Note to self: SHE DID NOT LAUGH).

I generally respond to these exchanges with "Yeah," "Sure," "That's fine,"


Last week I think I agreed to be a liver donor at a woman's book club luncheon that was raising money for orphaned puppies in Tanzanika. I think that's what was said anyway. It all seems so fuzzy.

But can you blame me? It was overtime during the Giants-Bengals game.

This brings us to the real, familiar problem.

NOW I have to PRETEND that I AGREED to be a liver donor at a woman's book club luncheon that is raising money for orphaned puppies in Tanzanika.

My wife will say: "Honey, you know we have that luncheon tomorrow?"

And I'll say: "OK. Liver donor in Tanzanika," while Eli Manning takes a sack.

My wife: "What?!!"

Me: "That's fine."

My wife: "Jerk!"

Of course, solving this problem is now much easier thanks to the decisive federal government action on digital TV. In this they are helped by the Large-TV Trade Association which is thoughtfully located very near our decisive federal government, and writes many large checks to our decisive government officials and even employs some of their decisive spouses.

They at least understand this problem.

If we could just make a TV large enough and dazzling enough to block out all of the distractions like spouses, telephones, barking dogs and fire hazards when watching sports.

Just think of the misunderstandings we could avoid!

It would confer many benefits to society as a whole including, but in no way limited to, not having to sleep in the utility shed in the backyard at a time when frost warnings are becoming more commonplace. I think society would be very grateful for this benefit. I know that part of society that is made up of: 1) me; and 2) my children would be grateful, at any rate.

This brings me to my last two points:

Can anyone tell me exactly how many livers a healthy male has? And where the hell is Tanzanika?


Bam Ransom's "Personal Fool" will appear at on alternating Fridays.

Comments? Criticism? Applause? Contact Bam Ransom at

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