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The league about nothing
Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - During Seinfeld's 180-episode run, the gang covered almost all the key issues.

We learned about bubble boys and face painters, Soup Nazis and sniffing accountants. Even gun-toting movie bootleggers had their place on the greatest sitcom of all-time.

Yet, when the show finally came to a close a little over 15 years ago, one topic remained totally unaccounted for: fantasy sports.

Out of fairness to the show, the fantasy movement was still in its beginning stages when Jerry and friends shot their final episode back in 1998.

But now that the fantasy craze has hit, wouldn't it be great to see Jerry and Kramer battling each other for fantasy supremacy?

Well, now you can. I'd like to introduce you to the League About Nothing. Here are some of its members.

Jerry Seinfeld, The Anti-Dentites: Jerry has always had a soft spot for the Mets, which is why he owns David Wright in his keeper league. Kramer tried to convince Jerry to take Andrew McCutchen in the first round but he said "I don't want to draft a Pirate!" He's very careful to only draft players from non-pony countries. Jerry also says he admires Manny Ramirez because "he chooses not to run."

George Costanza, The Marine Biologists: George has always been a bit of a wild card when it comes to fantasy. Last year he showed up to the draft wearing a flesh-colored body suit and the year before that he wore Babe Ruth's jersey. A couple years ago, he ruined the league trophy by attaching it to the back of his car and driving it around the parking lot at Yankee Stadium. This year, he's blaming CC Sabathia's slump on the team's polyester uniforms ("They should be wearing cotton!").

Cosmo Kramer, The Kramericans: Kramer doesn't have a job, so why wouldn't he be great at fantasy? Last year, he had Jackie Chiles negotiate his rights to the No. 1 pick. He's won the league each of the last two seasons but the trophy was destroyed after a lit cigar set his whole apartment on fire. If Kramer wins again, he said he'll consider writing a coffee table book about fantasy. George and Jerry are skeptical about Kramer's success and secretly believe his intern Darren is the one running his team (Elaine thinks it might be Bob Sacamano). One year, Kramer tried to pick Bette Midler for his team and was very disturbed when that wasn't allowed. He's famous for paying his league dues in pennies.

Elaine Benes, The Urban Sombreros: The loveable loser, Elaine has never had much luck in fantasy. One year as a punishment for coming in last place, the guys made her watch "The English Patient" five times in a row. She's actually doing a lot better this season because she's been getting insider information from Dr. James Andrews (Elaine went to him for back treatment after she slept on a pullout couch). J. Peterman is asking her to ghost write a book about Albert Pujols.

Newman, The Newmaniacs: Easily the most diabolical member of the league, Newman is constantly low-balling the rest of the league with bogus trade offers. He's gone into a deep depression since Ryan Braun was busted for PEDs and now Jerry is delivering his mail. He still holds a grudge against the Mets after the Keith Hernandez spitting incident and has never had any Mets on his team. When Jerry's fantasy baseball magazines don't arrive in the mail, he often blames Newman ("When you control the mail, you control information").

Frank Costanza, The Serenity Nows: Frank actually used to co-manage a team with Kramer but the two went their separate ways after they couldn't agree on a team name. He's been known to seek fantasy advice from a mysterious man wearing a cape (Matthew Berry, perhaps?). Frank loves to whine on the league message boards. He hates the commercialism of major league sports and once invented his own game called Festiball. It never caught on.

Uncle Leo, The Parks Department: His efforts to get Jeffrey into the league are always rejected. Leo's tendency to grab onto other people's arms when he talks could be the reason Clay Buchholz hasn't pitched in two months (they met when the Red Sox were in New York earlier this season). Searching for inspiration, he thought it would be a good idea to shoplift "Moneyball" from the bookstore. He's still mad at Jerry for ratting him out.

For the football season, the league is adding an expansion team.

They're called The Fightin' Ovaltines.

I bet you can guess who that is.




Comments? Criticism? Applause? Contact Jesse Pantuosco at jpantuosco@sportsnetwork.com.

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