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The fantasy column about nothing

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - There's a reason I own all nine seasons of Seinfeld on DVD: I can't get enough of it.

Not all sitcoms can stand the test of time but I'm confident we'll never get tired of seeing Kramer yell at his intern or watching Elaine attempt to dance at the office Christmas party.

Whether you're from a pony country or a non-pony country I think we can all agree that what's great about Seinfeld is that we can all relate to it. We all know close-talkers and I'm sure most of us have encountered a quirky neighbor or two along the way. Maybe some of my readers have even licked a toxic envelope at some point in their life (hopefully not).

Turns out the show about nothing is kind of about everything. Even fantasy football has its links to the 90's sitcom if you really think about it. I am always reminded of Jimmy whenever Deion Sanders refers to himself in the third person and I can't be the only one who thinks Bill Belichick would make a perfect Soup Nazi.

You already know the cast of Seinfeld. Now let's meet each character's fantasy equivalent:

Jerry Seinfeld - Peyton Manning, Denver Broncos: Intelligent, witty, addicted to cereal (I'm guessing) and a little bit obsessive (Manning is known for looking at tapes of opposing teams for hours on end). After Manning's neck surgery, the landscape in Indianapolis changed dramatically, almost like a Bizarro World. I guess that would make Andrew Luck the "Bizarro Manning." Still, Manning has always been consistent (he's thrown for 4,000 yards or more in each of his last five seasons) and his DirecTV commercials are almost as hilarious as Jerry's standup bits. As far as we know, Manning has never stolen a loaf of marble rye from an old lady.

George Costanza - Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys: Romo plays for the Cowboys, who are often referred to as the Yankees of the NFL (George was the traveling secretary for the Yankees for three seasons). Costanza and Romo both have had plenty of success with women (Romo used to date singer/actress Jessica Simpson) and both are well-known for crumbling under pressure. Romo's most famous choke came when he fumbled the snap in a playoff game versus the Seattle Seahawks. George's came in a softball game versus Bette Midler. If Romo ever wants to win a Super Bowl he may have to start using George's strategy by doing the opposite of what he normally does. Hey, it worked for George.

Cosmo Kramer - Stevie Johnson, Buffalo Bills: Doesn't Johnson just seem like the type of guy who would pour cement into a washing machine? Obviously Johnson is the more talented athlete (he has now compiled two 1,000-yard receiving seasons in a row) but these two are about even when it comes to humorous missteps. Johnson became well-known for tastelessly mocking Jets receiver Plaxico Burress while Kramer once lost his temper and fought with a chimpanzee named Barry. Johnson baffled his Twitter followers in 2010 by blaming God for a dropped touchdown reception. As strange as Johnson's tweet was, I think Kramer's lawyer Jackie Chiles was just as baffled when Kramer decided to leave millions of dollars on the table, instead settling for tons of free coffee.

David Puddy - Rob Gronkowski, New England Patriots: Tall, goofy and extremely passionate. Gronk went from a relative unknown to the top tight end in the game (NFL tight end record 17 TD and 1,327 receiving yards last season) while Puddy worked his way up from a "grease monkey" to a car salesman. Both enjoy giving high fives and I have a sneaking suspicion Gronkowski might love Arby's almost as much as Puddy does.

Newman - Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears: Sinister and inherently unlikeable but both talented in their own right. Cutler's arm strength (his 7.39 yards per attempt in 2011 was among the best in the league) is nearly as impressive as Newman's poetic grasp of the English language. Cutler spent the second half of last season on the sidelines just like Newman did when he found out he wasn't getting his transfer to Hawaii.

Kenny Bania - Tim Tebow, New York Jets: Tebow and Bania share plenty of similarities. They each perform in New York City and both are known for their annoyingly upbeat personalities. It's tough to tell what's worse: Kenny's jokes or Tebow's accuracy (Tebow's 46.5 percent completion percentage was the worst in the NFL last season). Tebow is likely to ride Mark Sanchez's coattails this season just like Bania did with Jerry for so many years. Couldn't you picture Tebow just laughing his skull off at Bania's terrible Ovaltine jokes? I know I could.

Uncle Leo - Matt Hasselbeck, Tennessee Titans: That annoying old relative who just doesn't know when to walk away. Leo is always bragging to Jerry about his son Jeffrey (from the parks department). I don't know for sure but I'm guessing Hasselbeck prefers to blab about his 2005 Super Bowl team, much to the dismay of second-year quarterback Jake Locker. Amazingly, Hasselbeck might actually be balder than Leo is. I wonder if Hasselbeck greets his Titans teammates with a loud "Hello!" whenever he sees them.

The sitcom that is the NFL season begins in six short days. Giddy up!

Comments? Criticism? Applause? Contact Jesse Pantuosco at jpantuosco@sportsnetwork.com.

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