Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) -
NBA free agency waits for no one.
Not you. Not me. Not even Joey Chestnut and his fourth of July hot dog eating heroics.
So while most of you were off playing hooky in Cape Cod last week (And why not? It's not everyday America turns 237.), general managers around the league were awfully busy.
But no worries. I'm here to catch you up. For those of you who were too busy barbecuing to notice, here's what happened in the NBA last week.
1. Dwight got it right: Dwight Howard actually made a decision? And he didn't change his mind?!
(Confetti falls from the ceiling)
Good boy, Dwight! Have a cookie (James Harden pats Dwight on the head).
Take it all in, guys. This is groundbreaking stuff. Not only did Dwight make a choice ... he made the right one, too.
Some might disagree but I think Houston is the perfect fit for Howard. What better place to hone your low post skills than with Hakeem Olajuwon just a few blocks away? The head coach, Hall of Famer Kevin McHale, also knows a thing or two about battling in the paint.
Sure the offense was a bit uptempo last season, but James Harden isn't an ego maniac like Kobe. Dwight will still get his touches.
How old is Steve Nash again? Like 60? Going back to the Lakers would have been a mistake. Good call, Dwight.
2. Wait ... the Pelicans are good now? I know, right? So here's how it went down.
First, they traded Nerlens Noel, who so far is following the same career trajectory as Greg Oden (not a compliment), for Jrue Holiday, an All-Star last season in Philadelphia. Then they unloaded Greivis Vasquez and Robin Lopez in a trade for 2010 Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans.
New Orleans has been a bottom dweller since Chris Paul left, but I think this might be the year they turn it around. A starting lineup of Holiday, Eric Gordon, Evans, Anthony Davis and Jason Smith with last year's NBA leader in three-pointers Ryan Anderson coming off the bench? I think a trip to the playoffs would go great with that jambalaya.
3. NOBODY wants Monta Ellis: It's true.
"But I thought I was the popular kid!" (Ellis slams the door and locks himself in his room)
You know you're having a hard time when Don King lookalike Andrew Bynum is attracting more interest in free agency than you are. I guess undersized twos who shoot the ball 20 times a game aren't as popular as they used to be (hence why Allen Iverson hasn't been near a basketball court in five years).
"Maybe I can go back to Milwaukee?"
Nope, they just signed O.J. Mayo to replace you (three years, $24 million).
"Well, the Knicks might want me."
They might have. But that was before they re-signed J.R. Smith (four years, $24.7 million).
The Sports Network still loves you, Monta Ellis. Even if no one else does.
4. The Wizards are hilarious: Seriously, $22 million for Martell Webster? Even A-Rod is sitting at home right now going, "Whoa. What were they thinking?"
That's almost as crazy as signing Zaza Pachulia for three years and $15 million. Wait, the Bucks already did that? I think I'm gonna be sick.
5. Eric Bledsoe is free at last. In college, he was behind John Wall. In Los Angeles, he poured Gatorade for Chris Paul. But now after four years of being someone else's sidekick, Bledsoe can finally be his own man.
Last week, the Clippers traded him to the Suns as part of a three-team, four- player swap.
Now Bledsoe will start alongside Goran Dragic in a talented albeit height- challenged Phoenix backcourt. Bledsoe averaged 14.2 ppg, 4.8 rpg and 5.3 apg while shooting just under 44 percent from the three-point line in 12 starts last season.
I'm not saying Bledsoe is a fantasy sleeper. I'm shouting it: "BLEDSOE IS A FANTASY SLEEPER!!!"
Aw, that felt good. Let's move on, though. People are looking at me weird.
6. Chill out, Omer: This was Omer Asik's reaction to the Dwight Howard signing on Friday night: "But I don't want to play with Dwiiiight!"
Next week on When NBA Players Throw Temper Tantrums ... Kobe posts a passive aggressive photo on Instagram and unfollows Dwight on Twitter.
Seriously though, this is turning into a bad Entourage episode. Apparently, Asik would rather start than win a championship. He's asked for a trade and I'm crossing my fingers the Rockets grant him that wish.
And not just for the drama. This guy was third in the NBA in rebounding last season (11.7 rpg). You can't waste that by sitting him on the bench.
Anyone else secretly hoping Asik quits the NBA to do another Beverly Hills Cop movie with Eddie Murphy? Come on, he looks EXACTLY like Judge Reinhold.
7. Winning is everything: The Nuggets offered Andre Iguodala $52 million to stay in Denver while the Kings were willing to give him $63 million over the next five years to play in Sacramento. But because he felt playing for the Warriors would give him the best chance to win a championship, he took less money and inked a four-year, $48 million deal with Golden State. For cynics who are always saying athletes are all about the money, Iguodala's decision to play for Golden State has to be pretty refreshing.
8. ... or not: By that same token, Josh Smith passed up a chance to play with Dwight Howard and James Harden because the Pistons (.354 win percentage last season) tempted him with an ungodly amount of green paper ($56 million over four seasons). So I guess it's still a little bit about the money.
Free agency has been a blast so far. And guess what happens next summer? LeBron can opt out of his contract.