The characters of fantasy baseball
Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - In the movie "What About Bob?" Bill Murray declares that there are two types of people in this world - "Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."

That's certainly an interesting theory, but I think the universe might be a bit more complicated than that.

See, the way I look at it, there are really 12 types of people in the world of fantasy baseball. Let's meet them.

1. The sketchy commissioner: He set up the league, organized everything, sent out all the necessary emails to get everybody on the same page. He even had the draft at his house and served guacamole.

This guy does and says all the right things. But deep down, you still can't bring yourself to trust him.

Of course, he had an answer for why he got the first pick on draft day ("I swear, it was all random.")

Inexplicably, he's always at the top of the waiver wire. He's always at the center of some lopsided trade and one day out of nowhere, he extends the innings limit from 1300 to 1500.

You'll never be able to tell if these were just "coincidences" or if the whole thing was a giant conspiracy.

2. The thief: This human serves no other purpose but to stop you from taking the player you've been coveting all week on the waiver wire.

Even though it seems like he gets every player, he's always exactly one spot ahead of you on the waiver priority.

You thought you were the only one who knew about first baseman X and all his sleeper potential. Of course, he takes him one pick ahead of you.

This character is one of the more sinister beings you will ever encounter in a fantasy league.

3. The Theo Epstein wannabe: This player has a decent team, but he's never quite satisfied. He's always working the phones and spamming your email with bogus trade requests.

Finally you send him a reasonable offer. He quickly rejects it and calls you out for "low-balling" him.

This individual is known for wearing sunglasses indoors and putting too much gel in his hair.

4. The train wreck: You just want John Goodman to scream at him, "You're out of your element!"

This guy has absolutely no clue what he's doing.

He drafted Hideki Matsui in the first round and he keeps asking if Mike Piazza still plays. For some reason, he's decided to stockpile shortstops and relief pitchers.

Magically, he ended up with Zack Greinke on his team. Too bad he has no idea how to activate players from his bench.

5. The geek: Rarely does this person talk about anything other than fantasy baseball.

He's already completed 76 mock drafts and he's read every word of every fantasy magazine that has ever been published.

This guy took a week off from work to go scout the players for himself down in Florida.

On draft day, he critiques everyone's picks, usually prefacing his thinly veiled insults with statements like "You're picking him?" or "Hmm ... bold move."

Despite his wealth of knowledge, this player has never won a league championship.

6. The addict: This dude is totally off his rocker.

He's already been to five fantasy drafts this week and claims to be in a dozen public leagues with strangers on Yahoo.

Of course, he's too overwhelmed by all the fantasy chaos in his life to ever check any of his teams. Half of his starters are on the DL or in Triple-A by mid-season.

When you ask him why he hasn't checked his team in three months, he says that he forgot his password.

7. The absentee fantasy owner: You can just picture him sitting on Prince's couch with a lollipop saying, "This bores me."

He never should have been in the league to begin with. You practically had to kidnap him just to show up at the draft.

He's never checked his lineup.

When you ask him what happened to his fantasy team, he'll respond by saying, "What fantasy team?"

8. The grump: A diabolical hater, his heroes are Statler and Waldorf from "The Muppets" and Silky Johnson from "Chappelle's Show."

He vetoes trades just for the fun of it and is always complaining about the league's waiver rules.

He's sullen on draft day and generally has a negative outlook on life.

His primary objective is to make everybody else around him as unhappy as he is.

9. The Kavorka: Just like Kramer from "Seinfeld," everything just seems to fall right in his lap.

He picked up Mike Trout on a whim last season and rode him all the way to the title. He famously rolled the dice on Jose Bautista before anyone knew who he was and none of his players ever seem to get injured.

It's like this guy has ESP. He traded David Ortiz a week before his injury and somehow was able to deal Mark Trumbo before his second half slide.

This player once won ten grand on a scratch ticket and has never gone to a professional sporting event without catching a t-shirt.

10. The lovable loser: Every year is his year, at least according to him.

He's never won the league and without fail, every season his best player gets hurt.

Eric Hosmer was his sleeper pick last year.

You just want to give this guy a hug and tell him it's going to be all right.

11. The ringer: Your stereotypical fantasy arch-villain.

He's won the league five years in a row and he's done it in ruthless fashion.

Every pitcher that threw a no-hitter last season was on his team at the time.

He's rich and he comes from a long line of fantasy champions.

Of course, he embraces his role as the villain and names his team after Lord Voldemort.

12. The rebel: This psychopath fancies himself as the league anarchist.

He frequently posts on the message boards and enjoys starting league-wide mutinies against the commissioner.

He'll be buddy-buddy with you one day and then veto your trade proposal 24 hours later.

His goal is to eventually dethrone the commissioner and gain control of all the league's happenings.

And for the record, yes, I do like Neil Diamond.




Comments? Criticism? Applause? Contact Jesse Pantuosco at jpantuosco@sportsnetwork.com.