Fantasy headaches
Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - Get this: the biggest diva in professional sports ... doesn't even play professional sports.

It only took me a few seconds Monday night to come to this startling realization.

The moment of clarity came in the form of a quick camera pan to the world's most obnoxious Miami Heat fan: 19-year-old Justin Bieber.

Earrings, gold jewelry, a gloriously-tacky leather shirt; even the way Biebs drank his bottle of Aquafina made me cringe. Never mind the fact that his 7- foot bodyguard was blocking the view of everyone sitting behind him.

How many faux pas can one dweeby celebrity commit in a three-second cameo? Apparently, quite a few.

The arrogant teenager has also been getting on the nerves of his neighbors, football legends Keyshawn Johnson and Eric Dickerson. No wonder Selena dumped him.

While Bieber makes the transformation from successful pop star to Kevin Federline in record time, let's examine some of fantasy's most frustrating position players.

Pedro Alvarez, 3B, Pittsburgh Pirates: A .232 lifetime batting average would typically qualify as a red flag for fantasy owners. As would a .305 career on base percentage. But in the case of Pedro Alvarez, we threw our better judgment out the window because Alvarez possesses one skill that fantasy owners will always covet: the power to hit the long ball.

From that stand point, Alvarez hasn't disappointed this season (12 HR in 176 AB). Unfortunately, there's much more to fantasy than gaudy home run numbers and high RBI totals.

If you want your team to die a slow painful death, keep putting Alvarez (.199 AVG, 67 K's) in your lineup. Otherwise, it's time to find a new third baseman.

Jose Bautista, OF, Toronto Blue Jays: In a way, Bautista is kind of like Raj from The Big Bang Theory.

If you're familiar with the show, you'll know that Raj can only talk to women when he's drinking.

Obviously, I'm not suggesting that Bautista's numbers are fueled by Heineken or that he can't talk to women. What I'm saying is that when Bautista plays in Canada, he can do no wrong. But as soon as he leaves Toronto, he's pretty much useless.

At the Rogers Center (or Centre if you prefer the French spelling), Joey Bats is hitting .386. In all other venues, he's batting just .171 with 25 strikeouts. That's bad news because seven of the Blue Jays' next ten games are on the road.

Ike Davis, 1B, New York Mets: Last season, there was a huge disparity in Davis' numbers against lefties (.174 AVG) compared to versus right-handers (.253).

This season, that hasn't been an issue. Now he's hitting poorly against right-handers, too (.165).

Calling Davis' season a disaster doesn't even do it justice. This is more like a fantasy apocalypse. Think about it: Miguel Cabrera (.370) is closer to hitting .400 than Davis is to batting .200 (.164).

It's time for fantasy owners to send Davis packing. Don't be surprised if the Mets do as well.

Adam Dunn, 1B, Chicago White Sox: I imagine Dunn was the kid in preschool who refused to take a nap.

Has there ever been a bigger fantasy nightmare than Dunn? Year after year he tempts us with his mouthwatering power numbers before eventually ruining our seasons with his migraine-inducing contact rate.

This season has been no different (13 HR, .166 AVG). When will we ever learn?

Jason Heyward, OF, Atlanta Braves: B.J. Upton's poor performance has been getting all the headlines but Heyward has been just as awful.

Even with six hits in his last three games, Heyward's average is still only .175. You don't even want to know what his average is away from Turner Field (hint: it's under .100).

Where's all this potential we keep hearing about? Maybe B.J. and Jason should check Justin's locker to see if he has any extra lying around.

Chase Headley, 3B, San Diego Padres: Headley led the NL in RBI last season, which I assume was a very elaborate practical joke to trick us into drafting him early in this year's draft.

Guess what? It worked.

Headley's average (.229) looks like Bieber's bank account in a couple years. Against lefties, it's even worse (.185). He's hitting .043 (1-for-23) over his last five games.

I know Petco is a pitcher's park, but come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Mike Moustakas, 3B, Kansas City Royals: And now for my final trick, I will turn a breakout star into a slumping underachiever. Ta-da!

Very funny, Kriss Angel. Switch it back. Seriously. I can't handle another month like May (.171 AVG in 76 at bats).

Maybe having George Brett in the clubhouse will help Moustakas turn things around. And if not, hopefully we'll at least get another pine tar-inspired meltdown out of it.

It's a long season. Hope you have your Ibuprofen ready.

Comments? Criticism? Applause? Contact Jesse Pantuosco at

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